Father Hunger: Why God calls men to love and lead their families by Doug Wilson

Thank you Thomas Nelson for the great privilege of being a reviewer in your Blog review program.  I have been changed by your investment!

In a society that has been severely degraded due to the absence of Father’s there is a growing movement in evangelical circles to call us back to the truth.  Doug Wilson’s newest work is one of those primaries every male should have on his discipleship shelf (well read before shelving of course).  After a recent failed attempt to reconcile with my estranged daughter, I have much needed comforting gospel-centered reminders when I am tempted to despair, this is a good encouragement.  Brie (my daughter) also was a part of the recent healing and of which I am grateful;

The best way to peer into the overall gist of the work, I would like to share some quotes which come from 3 different pivotal sections of the book;

A father is responsible to lead his children in a way that helps them think biblically about everything.

In contrast to this, consider Abraham Kuyper’s famous statement from his inaugural address at the Free University of Amsterdam.  “There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry:  ‘Mine!”  If this is true, and it most certainly is, what are the ramification for education?

As was shown earlier, authority flows to those who take responsibility.  Taking responsibility is the foundation of all the true authority.  This means that reestablishing authority is accomplished by taking responsibility.  Often a simple reassertion of authority is an attempt to evade responsibility.  The point is reasserted so that some one else will do what needs doing.  This is not only impotent; it is counterproductive.

Further the titles of the chapters drive home some quite obvious points that are very bold and needed as well;

First Words, What Fathers Are For, A Culture of Absenteeism, Masculinity, False and True, Atheism Starts at Home, The Education Axle, Small Father, Big Brother, Escaping the Pointy-Haired Boss, Poverty and Crime at the Head of the Table, Church Fathers, Ha, Conflicted Feminism, The Fruitful Father, Some Father Mechanics, Our Father, It Starts with You.

We need more Doug Wilson’s, Mark Driscoll’s, Paul Washer’s, Matt Chandler’s, Edwin Cole, Patrick Morley’s.  We do live in a time when being a man is playing video games all the time, living with your parents, moral relativistic engagements of entitlement, and never responsible.  I remember having a ‘Courageous’ movie night at my house, I had to invite over 30 men to get 6 to show up.  Guys don’t need cowboy church or football themed worship services, what they need is to zip their pants up in the front.  We need bold voices in our culture speaking to our pride, self-righteousness, and avoiding responsibility hearts.  Until there is revival with men, the downward spiral continues.

Father Hunger will challenge, inspire, and enlighten every man to dust off their pride and confess and repent in the areas that need work.  This is not a soppy, wear a bib book, this book is going to take you to the places you do not want to go and it is about time.  Mr. Wilson does make you think, holds your attention, and it is presented in a cohesive, yet appealing manner.  Mr. Wilson also saturates his work with scripture (and much appreciated – indicative of a man who spends time with the Word), successfully conveys Biblical truth.   I would highly recommend this work to Men in all walks of life.

Father Hunger: Why God Calls Men to Love & Lead Their Families By Douglas Wilson / Thomas Nelson Absentee fatherhood seems to be the norm in today’s culture and it impacts everyone – families, children, wives, and husbands. Pastor and parenting expert Douglas Wilson reveals the true cost of invisible dads to families and society, encouraging them to be the fathers God calls them to be. Includes self-evaluation tools for dads to critique their fathering methods and a study guide for men’s Bible studies and small groups.

You need to see/feel things from my perspective and other forms of manipulation we use to destroy relationships

At the back of the Exemplary Husband (by Stuart Scott) study guide there is a great appendix article that I want to quote and is an apt topic for a discernment blog (these are my underlines);

Man is not a victim 

Many see themselves as little more than a victim of their circumstances. The truth is, victim is not a biblical word. Even those who are treated ruthlessly are not referred to as victims. There are several aspects of the word victim that we need to consider when addressing this view. If a person suffers an unprovoked crime or sin at the hands of someone else, the person suffering could be considered a victim in the sense that he is a receiver of unwarranted treatment. Our legal system will certainly designate him the victim of a crime.

But there are wrong ideas usually associated with the word victim. Most often, it carries with it the idea of complete innocence when referring to the one who has suffered the offense. This is rarely the case so far as the events are concerned and never the case so far as the heart is concerned (Psalm 14:2-3). Let me explain by way of an example.

If you are lawfully stopped at a traffic light when a drunk driver rear-ends your car, you are certainly legally innocent in the accident. The drunken person is obviously breaking the law of God and man by driving while intoxicated and by hitting you. If, by the grace of God, you get out of your car and help the drunk person with pure motives until an ambulance comes to examine you both (rather than yelling at him for ruining your bumper), you can still be considered spiritually innocent in this event. However, if you consider yourself to be a better person than the drunk, or look down at his sin in disgust, you are sinning the sin of pride and are, therefore, no longer innocent in the event.

I am not saying that God does not respond compassionately when we are wronged. He does (Hebrews 4:14-16; Isaiah 63:9). And, I am not saying that God will not hold the offender fully responsible. He will (Ezekiel 18:2, 20). What I am saying is that we must remember that God sees any reactionary sin on our part during an incident as grievous as well (Romans 12:14-21). And we must keep an offender’s sin in perspective of our own sin against a Holy God.

Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; for it is written, “As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.” So then each of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. Romans 14:10-13 ESV

Most people do sin in response to another person’s sin and most people do see their own sin as less offensive than another’s. When we have been wronged it can be very helpful to remember that nothing anyone has done to us is worse than our own sin against a Holy God. Since any good in our lives can only be accredited to God’s work in us (Jeremiah 17:9-10; Matthew 19:17; 1 Corinthians 4:7), and since our sin was so bad that God allowed His only Son to be killed in order to pay for our sin (2 Corinthians 5:21; 1 Corinthians 15:3), we know that we are not in and of ourselves any better than anyone else because we sin on a regular basis.

But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. Romans 3:21-25 ESV (emphasis mine)

Secondly, the word victim can imply that a “senseless, never-should-have-happened” event has taken place. The danger here is to forget that loving sovereignty (perfect and purposeful control) of God in one’s life. While some events may indeed be tragic, God knows the end from the beginning and how that event can serve to humble a person (Job 42:1-6), draw a person to Himself (John 6:44), show Himself to be a greater-than-anything God (Jeremiah 32:17; Genesis 50:20) and/or reveal Himself to the sufferer as Refuge, Strength and Helper (Isaiah 57:15).

In short, only God has the ability to work all things together for both our good and His glory in a fallen world, never ignoring one to achieve the other. We must not take the view that something shouldn’t have happened to us. Is God not good? Is God wrong? Is God lacking in power? Obviously none of these are true according to the Bible.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, [1] for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Thirdly, the word victim often gives a person a hopeless outlook. No one who knows God is without hope, the ability to overcome and the resources to live with joy and thankfulness in spite of what has happened. This must sometimes be taken on faith until the truth and principles of God’s Word can be specifically applied to one’s situation and thinking (Genesis 50:20; John 20:24-29; 1 Corinthians 10:12-14; 1 Peter 1:6-7). Unfortunately, some individuals have been taught that they can never lead “normal” lives again. This is tragic because it utterly contradicts Scripture.

May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. 2 Peter 1:2-4 ESV [emphasis mine]

Finally, the word victim usually allows a person to ignore personal responsibility. That brings us back to where we started. To be “a victim of your circumstances” is to declare yourself free from responsibility so far as thoughts, actions, usefulness and life direction are concerned. If we cannot help our responses, we conveniently cannot be held accountable for them. I have heard such statements as, “My sin is actually the result of a ‘sickness’ that I have because of what happened to me,” “I am this way because of my parent’s failures,” “I turned out this way because we were poor and I was exposed to many bad influences; I didn’t have a chance,” or “I have a disease or chemical imbalance; that is why I had to sin.”

This blame-shifting (whether subtle or not) is a grievous thing to my heart. I listen to these people as they seek to excuse themselves for their sin, knowing that at the same time they are removing all hope for themselves. Very often, people have been encouraged in these wrong beliefs by unbiblical counsel (which can even be “Christian” counsel). The truth is, we will be held accountable for our every thought, word, and deed.

So then each of us will give an account of himself to God. Romans 14:12 ESV

The Bible clearly teaches that we are always responsible for our own sin, no matter what our circumstances are – not for the sin of others, but for our own sin. We cannot say that “so and so” causes us to do what we do. Our own sinful heart simply is given an opportunity to express itself in our difficult situations. We sin in response to these situations because sin is in us and because we choose to sin. Christians have a double responsibility because through salvation and the application of the Word of God, we don’t have to sin.

For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Romans 6:7-11 ESV [emphasis mine]

Many times the word victim allows a person to think of himself wrongly. When a person adopts the victim mentality, he usually develops self-pitying, self-righteous, or hopeless attitudes. Those who know God and abide in His truth can lead the kind of life that God intended, even if they have been greatly wronged. They simply must learn to apply the word of God to their circumstances.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV

Toxic Charity Book Review–thank you Metanoia (Bill Stanfield)

This is the a rare review without an assignment from a publisher, this book was referred to me by Bill Stanfield of Metanoia, who is DOING (James 1:22 http://www.esvapi.org/assets/play.swf?myUrl=hw%2F59001022(ESV) what this book talks about, I was referred to him through numerous non-believers in the Charleston area that are struck by what he is accomplishing (1 Timothy 3:7 http://www.esvapi.org/assets/play.swf?myUrl=hw%2F54003007(ESV), and good book referrals are an evidence of God’s grace in a world of 140 characters of less.  Thank you Bill!

I heard someone say, we are so busy with our meetings, service projects, outreaches, and programs that believers cannot ever truly make an impact with their neighbor.  A few years ago I was convicted through reading When Helping Hurts, that there is something wrong with the way ‘ministry’, ‘charity’ or ‘benevolence’ work is done.  What I have realized since then, is that good intentioned believers may read a work like this (Toxic Charity or WHH) and like my years with trying to engage other believers with the presupposition of true biblical counseling, the eyes are opened for a short while, but later with the pressures of ministry, congregations, and depravity, it is back to the way we are used to doing it.  Back to the ‘Christian’ programs, back to the ‘Christian’ food banks, back to the short, quick fix, did-my-good-deed-check-my-box without a commitment.

Although TC is not as saturated with scripture as WHH and tends to be a little more caustic, it is still a new book in my arsenal of removing the haze from their eyes when it comes to rethinking making an impact with others.  This book was interesting to me, it challenged me, and enlightened me, that this topic is not going away.  Other believers are trying to wake up Christians as well, and it appears that maybe a few are listening? I think the thing that strikes me the most about these works is that many of the foundational principles are already in effect because of common grace, but in many instances, non-believers are convicted, apply, and see the implications better than routine believers.

What do I mean?  I think quotes will help with that;

Dependency.  Destroying personal initiative.  When we do for those in need what they have the capacity to do for themselves, we disempower them. (3)

Our memory is short when recovery is long.  We respond with immediacy to desperate circumstances but often are unable to shift from crisis relief  to the more complex work of long-term development. (6)

Everywhere I looked, I observed the same patterns, from overseas church mission trips to the inner-city service projects of campus organizations.  Wherever there was sustained one-way giving, unwholesome dynamics and pathologies festered under the cover of kindheartedness. (35)

Churches want their members to feel good about serving the poor, but no one really wants to become involved in messy relationships. (57)

Relationships built on need tend to be short-lived. (60)

The local church is an institution with institutional needs.  It is important to understand this.  It begins with an informal group of like-minded people who come together for fellowship and worship, it evolves into structured organization with budgets and staff and buildings, and finally it matures into an enduring institution.  It functions like all other institutions—with stated mission and an intrinsic motivation to preserve and protect its own interests.  The lion’s share of church budgets are spent on meeting the needs of the congregation, not for the needs of the outside communities.  To earmark mission-trip expenditures as primarily for spiritual benefit of members would be in keeping with traditional church budgeting.  It is important to understand this so that we will not be disappointed by unrealistic expectations. (70)

And the number of church members volunteering in outreach programs measures only activity, not outcomes.  (76)

When leadership is committed to outcomes rather than activity, to measureable results rather than budget size or number of engaged members, changes in mission focus can be navigated with an acceptable level of disruption. (78)

For disadvantaged people to flourish into their full, God-give potential, they must leave behind dependencies that impede their growth.  Initiatives that thwart their development, though right motivated, must be restructured to reinforce self-sufficiency if they are to become agents of lasting and positive change. (102)

Experienced microlending organizations have identified three essential elements for successful microloans:  The borrower must have (1) an ingrained work ethic, (2) a demonstrated entrepreneurial instinct, and (3) a stable support system. (120)

Is your church engaged in community development ministry?  All answered in the affirmative.  But when asked to name their target neighborhood and there transformative goals, none was able to give a definitive answer.  All were in engaged in community service of various sorts, but none were focused on transforming a specific community. (133)

What is required to transform a deteriorating neighborhood is a geographically focused vision with measurable goals over extended time. (133)

In short, become an expert in your community.  Immerse yourselves in every aspect of community life.  Volunteer as appropriate, but make no long-term commitments.  Be interested, supportive neighbor for at least six months before attempting to initiate any new activity. (160)

Is there a way we can bring more human dignity to the process of exchange rather than simply using one-way giving?

Can we increase our personal involvement with those in crisis to assist them with housing, day care, or other support while they get back on their feet? (182)

Robert Lupton (author) does make you think about your activities with charity.  The material was well laid out, held my attention (lots of great application stuff in it as well), and the information was presented in a cohesive, yet appealing manner.  I think more scripture, possibly from a creation, fall, redemption and consummation perspective might bring some more convicting applications, but also driving home implications of what is being suggested.  I would highly recommend this book to ANYONE (believers and non-believers)

Toxic Charity: How Churches and Charities Hurt Those They Help By Robert D. Lupton / Harpercollins Publishing Public service is a way of life for Americans; giving is a part of our national character. But compassionate instincts and generous spirits aren’t enough, says veteran urban activist Robert D. Lupton. In this groundbreaking guide, he reveals the disturbing truth about charity: all too much of it has become toxic, devastating to the very people it’s meant to help. In his four decades of urban ministry, Lupton has experienced firsthand how our good intentions can have unintended, dire consequences. Our free food and clothing distribution encourages ever-growing handout lines, diminishing the dignity of the poor while increasing their dependency. We converge on inner-city neighborhoods to plant flowers and pick up trash, battering the pride of residents who have the capacity (and responsibility) to beautify their own environment. We fly off on mission trips to poverty-stricken villages, hearts full of pity and suitcases bulging with giveaways-trips that one Nicaraguan leader describes as effective only in "turning my people into beggars." In Toxic Charity, Lupton urges individuals, churches, and organizations to step away from these spontaneous, often destructive acts of compassion toward thoughtful paths to community development. He delivers proven strategies for moving from toxic charity to transformative charity. Proposing a powerful "Oath for Compassionate Service" and spotlighting real-life examples of people serving not just with their hearts but with proven strategies and tested tactics, Lupton offers all the tools and inspiration we need to develop healthy, community-driven programs that produce deep, measurable, and lasting change. Everyone who volunteers or donates to charity needs to wrestle with this book.

What happened on my visit to MA to reconcile with Samantha Shaw

Background:  While in the U.S. Army, I married my college sweet-heart.  We were married for 11 months, and for the next 4 years, I went through a hell-on-earth divorce.  To finally get it to stop, I was overpowered into giving up physical and legal custody of my daughter Samantha and court ordered that I could not contact her until she was 18.

On January 20, 2012, I went back to Greenfield, MA in attempts to re-establish contact, not unaware that she would probably be very angry, but I had hopes that a conversation between two adults would start the road to mending a relationship that was taken away from me.  Below is the texts I received after dropping a birthday gift bag on Saturday 21 January 2012, which contained birthday cards from age 3-17 and a book with my contact information off at her work.  A short time later, my phone went off with a text from Samantha.

For the sake of transcription,  “SS” means Samantha Shaw (her adopted name).

21 Jan 1442 – SS:  “You are not my father.  You don’t know what love is.”

21 Jan 1448 – Me:  “Let’s talk about that in person, like adults?  Coffee on me?

21 Jan 1510 – SS:  “Do not call yourself my father.  I have a great dad.  Who saw all of my first.  You missed out.  You really did.  Were you not told I did not want any contact?”

21 Jan 1522 – SS:  “Oh and by the way you owe him a lot of child support.  Why kind of person doesn’t take care of their child?”

21 Jan 1522 – SS:  “What kind of person decides in an hour to give them up?”

21 Jan 1525 – Me:  “I am here until Monday if you change your mind.  You were lied to, and texting is not a good way to share this info as there are explanations, would like to talk in person if you are up to it”

21 Jan 1527 – SS:  “No I was not lied to.  I do not want to see you.  You do not love me or miss me.  Thanks for giving me a great dad though.  One good thing came out of it.”

21 Jan 1535 – Me:  “I just left you a voicemail.”

21 Jan 1619 – SS:  “Yeah stop calling me.”

21 Jan 1634 – Me:  “What if you are wrong about all of this?  Is there not two sides to a story?”

21 Jan 1642 – SS:  “No not at all when You have been in my life for 16 years.”

21 Jan 1643 – SS:  “It was your choice to give me up.  Now you have to live with it.”

21 Jan 1715 – Me:  “What if it wasn’t and you miss meeting the dad you were given?”

21 Jan 1723 – SS:  “What?”

21 Jan 1726 – SS:  “You are not my father.  How many times do I have to tell you before you understand??”

21 Jan 1746 – Me:  “If you meet me face to face and let me talk to you for 10 minutes and you still feel the same way, I will leave you alone.”

21 Jan 1747 – SS:  “No I’m good.  You were told I didn’t want anything to do with you?  Were you not?”

21 Jan 1748 – SS:  “I will still feel the same way obviously. Because you are not my father.  I am ashamed to share half of my DNA with you.”

21 Jan 2148 – Me:  “Nothing you could ever do or ever say would cause me to love you any less.”

21 Jan 2150 – SS:  “I don’t love you.  At all.  Leave me alone.”

22 Jan 0048 – Me:  “I am thankful that your mom and dad cared for you when I couldn’t and that was part of the cost of the decision I made, which is why I also understand your anger, and have.  I am not interested in competing with the love you were given, or desire to change your loyalties, or telling my story, or changing your views, I just want to meet you.  Please forgive me and grant me this mercy?”

22 Jan 0111 – SS:  “I will never forgive you.  Ever.  It was your decision that you have to live with.  Too bad you missed out on a great kid and even better adult.  I hate you.  Why would I want anything to do with someone who did not want me??”

22 Jan 0116 – SS:  “And quite frankly you embarrassed me today.  Great first impression Derek.”

22 Jan 0123 – Me:  “Yes, my decision… To give you a life without me, so you did not have to go through what I went through, one of the hardest that I knew would cause this reaction from you.  Which was better than you seeing your mom and me trying to hurt each other, I took you out of the equation because no one else would, and the cost was knowing you would blame me, better than seeing how bad divorce was… and at least you would have hope, even at the cost of our relationship… I believed that was the best love I could give you…

22 Jan 0129 – Me:  “I ran out of money with 3 lawyers, representing myself, army lawyers, dad advocacy programs, senators, and the newspaper, I had nothing left…

22 Jan 0130 – SS:  “You owe my dad 10 grand for child support.”

22 Jan 0134 – Me:  “I wanted to pay so you would know, but that was not an option I was offered”

22 Jan 0134 – SS:  “Yeah I heard enough.”

22 Jan 0135 – Me:  “Army was ready to garnish my wages and did for 2yrs…”

22 Jan 0136 – SS:  “Leave me alone Derek.”

22 Jan 0138 – Me:  “Nothing you can ever do would ever cause me to love you or miss you any less.”

22 Jan 0139 – SS:  “Stop saying that, I’m going to flip out.”

22 Jan 0143 – Me:  “I really don’t want to hurt you any more than you have been hurt, please, you must understand that I was under a court order that prevented me from contacting you until now, and as the cards show, I anguished over these years…”

22 Jan 0144 – SS:  “Yeah there was a reason for that.  You are out of your tree.  And I would like for you to pretend that the court order still exists and leave me alone.  And you violated that court order when I was 16.”

22 Jan 0152 – Me:  “I did because many people know the whole story and told me about you, specifically, then about getting your license and I was so excited for you and hoped that your mom would have stopped being so angry with me, bitterness is a welcome friend when it has been around for so long and folks don’t forgive.  It can be blinding, deceiving, and unresponsive to compassion.”

22 Jan 0154 – Me:  “I learned this when I contacted your mom first and she ‘blocked’ me, thus I contacted you in blind hope.”

22 Jan 0155 – SS:  “Leave me alone!!!!!!”

22 Jan 0200 – Me: “Please read the cards, they start at age 3, which was the last time I was allowed to see you.  I have a vcr tape of us playing together when you were two…”

22 Jan 0202 – Me:  “I also have a box of stuff I have gathered for you since then and I will mail to you when I get back to SC.”

22 Jan 0204 – Me:  “I love you and I have always loved you.”

22 Jan 0208 – SS:  “Stop”

22 Jan 0212 – Me:  “Good night Samantha, I will write more after church tomorrow.”

22 Jan 1319 – Me:  “I will be heading to Northampton later today, just keeping you updated on my schedule if you change your mind.”

22 Jan 1320 – SS:  “You need to stop.  I’m going to put a restraining order on you.”

22 Jan 1330 – Me:  “Nothing you could ever do will ever make me love you any less, have a great day.”

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I receive a call from her ‘dad’ in which he postured me and lulled me into his confidence that I would give her space and time.  I THOUGHT someone who later got custody of Samantha after a divorce with Rebecca, who also was assaulted by her would be a little more sympathetic.  Here is what transcribed there too;

For the sake of transcription, “JS” means John Shaw (adoption father).

22 Jan 2102 –  Me:  “Thank you for your call, I helped me greatly versus texts and second hand information, again my concern was that she was told it was my choice to give her up and we both know that it is not true.  I can wait, I have waited patiently for 16 years, here is my info ‘for your research’ 102 Queens Court

22 Jan 2105 – JS:  “No worries.  Your message cut off after 102 Queens Court.”

22 Jan 2107 – Me:  “Summerville, SC  29485, email – eph61820@bellsouth.net, and I would think it would be helpful if you read a letter from another girl in my world whom I cared for just like you cared for Sam, her name is brie, she is not mine, and calls me ‘dad’s too, if your interested?”

22 Jan 2107 – JS:  “Disregard… The rest just came through”

22 Jan 2108 – Me:  “What I am trying to say is I ‘get it’

22 Jan 2109 – Me:  “We have a lot in common it seems, thanks again, good night and talk with you soon?”

22 Jan 2112 – JS:  “Ok, thank you for taking the time to speak to me tonight.  I’ve gotta hit the rack.  I’ve got an early day tomorrow… Take care and God bless.”

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With much prayer and sleeplessness, I counseled with others on how I was going to ‘stay in touch’ with her dad.

24 Jan 1900 – Me:  “So what do you recommend next?”

24 Jan 1902 – JS:  “I’d say let her come to you in her own time… Of course the problem with that is, who knows when that will be?…”

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These words bothered me greatly as I prayed, read, prayed, read and responded back to John – as you can see something was up… John was not my friend, he was part of the problem in alienating Samantha…

26 Jan 0655 – Me:  “I am sorry it had to come to this.  I have had much time to think about this, and reviewing my 3-phone book high legal copy of the entire incident, and here is the deal, I waited 16 years for her ‘parents to absolve themselves and tell her the truth and the choice was made not to, and even now her ‘time’ issue could have been redeemed with truth from her parents, and yet I am still prevented from having a relationship with my daughter, so with no court order and a lot of $ and time now, I giving you until the end of the month to tell her the truth, the whole truth, adultery, paternity testing, alimony, and support, bills, and charges paid off (20k) that Rebecca charged after separation and being forced to give up Sam to end the divorce.  I have phone transcript of Rebecca saying she would drag the divorce on (4 years wasn’t long enough) If I did not sign the papers for Sam.  I also have all copies of the separation agreement in which Rebecca continues to threaten this and I refuse.  It think all of this coming from you is better, that is what a father does, tells the truth even when it hurts people.”

26 Jan 0742 – JS:  “Derek, Let me “bottom line” this ridiculous fantasy of yours.  Regardless of whatever you have contrived in your mind about this situation to save face and make yourself feel better about it, the fact remains that you signed the adoption paperwork, thus relinquishing any parental responsibility and or rights.  The real truth is that you got yourself in $10,000 in the rears with your child support payments and when you were provided an out you jumped at it.  As I recall you even penned a paper called “The advantages of a deadbeat dad” and posted it on the internet.  And yes Derek, it took about an hour from the time that Rebecca suggested that you let me adopt Samantha, till the time that you called back and said that you thought it sounded like a good idea.  When you signed those papers, you ceased being her father.

With every situation that you enter into, you bring drama, strife and heartache.  Be honest with yourself for once.  The reason you came to Massachusetts last week had everything to do with your own self-centered guilt that’s been festering inside all these years and absolutely nothing to do with Samantha.

You know Samantha has a good life and is surrounded by people that love and support her.  If you really do care about her wellbeing at all you would cease with all this nonsense.  No good can come from it, especially to her.  Do the right thing and leave her be.

26 Jan 0743 – Me:  “I have never blamed you for any of this and until I realized you could have said no, and you didn’t”

26 Jan 0743 – JS:  “No to what?”

26 Jan 0745 – Me:  “To agreeing to it without getting all the facts, the drama followed you with Rebecca getting arrested, is it possible we both married a problem?”

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How I address 3 items from John’s text with FACTS versus memory

1.  IF I was in 10k in arrears for Child Support, would not have the U.S. Army garnished my wages and prevented me from getting a top secret clearance?  Let me help with that… ah NO, I would have been a security risk.  Here is a copy of the

official military paperwork

(notice the other goodies in which Rebecca plays a card of paternity to try to get me out of the picture) which does not ‘contrive in my mind’ but speaks plainly in facts of black and white and official seals, in which I paid support and due to fraudulent activities, miss appropriation of funds, and unlawful response to the military I was finally RELEASED from the voluntary (yes, I did the right thing) payment of support by the United States Army.  Later when I forced child support again in MA, (notice receipt for payment a week before I was honorably discharged from active duty?) in 1996.  My taxes were garnished as was my last paychecks from the military to pay support (I got $1,600 behind not 10k).  Have receipt of paid in full for that too.  Further all hospital bills and other ‘charges’ were forwarded to me (which I have receipts for) totaling 20+k of which I also paid.   Still confused about the 10k number and where that started…  by my black and white originals, some 30+K was paid for by me and garnished from my wages, damaged my credit report, and never paid back.  Seems like someone owes me 30k…  How much should I pay again…  um, I think I did and am…

2.  The advantages of being a dead beat dad article – should have been read, the title was a play on words and further proves my points 16 years later on deception.  (I am in the process of getting a copy of that article that was printed in Father’s advocacy magazines and websites all over the country – COMING SOON) – essentially it outlines how doing the RIGHT THING does not get rewarded and how being a deadbeat dad appears to pay off for some and instead I chose to do the right thing.  Reading it will further discredit the comment above in that, believing lies for so long actually convinced John and others they were truth.  So sad.

3.  I also have copies of the temporary order in which Rebecca files for temporary legal and physical custody in 1994 which was first attempt to take me out of the picture and was rejected.  I have every draft of separation agreement in which I push for joint custody and Rebecca rejects it.  I also have requests for visitation and complaints for contempt in which I was assaulted when trying to go to visitation when Rebecca’s anger problem continues to become volatile and combative….  decided against scanning those and posting those as one piece of evidence above (#1) is enough.

It is very clear that I am not believing the gospel in this situation, angry at God, and others for the purposeful lying and deception, and still, 16yrs later, it feels the same way… hopeless.  I just wanted to be a part of my daughters life and it was taken away from me 18yrs ago, and still is…  

I am slowly getting better as I cry out to God, read, workout, and surround myself with our church family and friends… it doesn’t make it hurt any less, and I am struggling.  The difference this time is that I am in Christ and no longer in bondage to the sinful desires of the flesh.  I think I am going to put all this stuff away and God and I can talk about it later.

I have missed you Sam, and I have been faithful to do everything I said I would do (salving my conscience has been the least of my concerns….)… I think I will read Brie’s letter again to remind me of true family in which we don’t lie to each other and God and I will continue working on my self-righteousness and selfish ambition to vindicate myself with my meticulous records…  Jesus knows exactly how I feel and I need help with my unbelief.  I love you and want to be a part of your life, but only based upon truth, and that is really going to hurt you, I am sorry folks chose to lie to you it really could have been much different.  Kids really do pay the price in divorce… 

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Real Marriage The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together–Mark & Grace Driscoll, Audiobook review

Thank you to christianaudio.com Reviewer Program for pre-release review of this work.

Depending on what circles your in, Mark Driscoll is sure to create a reaction – despite controversy however, many evangelicals acknowledge respectfully, and affirm Mark’s ministry and call.  With Mark you can be assured of a shock factor, and in our culture today of 140 characters or less, smartphones and anti-intellectualism, people don’t stop long enough to meditate on life and Mark & Grace remind us again, this time in the biblical context of a covenant marriage. 

What I appreciate about Mark’s ministry is that he/they comes out swinging, and in the ‘Preface’ he does it with “How Not to Read This book” -  addressing the sin we bring to marriage books/materials sometimes. It reminded me of the many times I read something in a marriage book and highlighted it so when I passed it onto Connie she would ‘get’ the gentle nudge of the ‘holy spirit highlighter’ and make a change. With the controversy over this book and series, he also addresses an area I don’t see quoted – “If your reading this book to feed your sexual perversion, then don’t read it” which probably would have knocked out 75% of the reviews I have read. 

This book was timely, interesting, and was very convicting in especially the first six chapters.  Connie and I had some great discussions generated by this material, and after my second listen, I will be passing it along to marriages that I think could benefit as well.  It did challenge, inspire, and enlighten me in ways that I was NOT loving my wife, which is a good reminder as I find the tendency sometimes to have an ‘I already know that…pride’ when coming to discipleship materials.  The Driscoll’s also made me think about the continued importance of having Connie with me in marriage discipleship sessions and giving her more shared teaching moments to assist men to love their wives. 

As always, Mark holds your attention and the information was presented in a cohesive, yet appealing manner, with real language and speaking about the elephants in the room, something I appreciate about Mark’s ministry and call.  I am also strongly convinced that the Driscoll’s successfully conveyed Biblical truth, however references to the 5 Love Languages and Arteburn’s work were not helpful when there is better biblical material out there to drive home the same points without giving us tasks, check boxes, or psychobabble.  I would recommend this book to others and will, in all forms to serve the audiences that Connie and regularly interact in.

Another fantastic review of this work can be found here, and some further marriage resources can be found at;

1. Biblical Counselor Newsletter (Marriage & Parenting)
2. CCEF Resources
3. Peacemaker Ministries

Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, & Life Together By Mark & Grace Driscoll / Thomas Nelson God has a lot to say on the topic of sex and marriage. He planned both and gave them to us to be enjoyed. In Real Marriage, Mark and Grace Driscoll share biblical truths on issues you may be facing. They discuss how to be your spouse’s best friend, porn addiction, sexual assault, becoming an unselfish lover, and many sex questions you might be embarrassed to ask anyone. Hardcover.