You need to see/feel things from my perspective and other forms of manipulation we use to destroy relationships

At the back of the Exemplary Husband (by Stuart Scott) study guide there is a great appendix article that I want to quote and is an apt topic for a discernment blog (these are my underlines);

Man is not a victim 

Many see themselves as little more than a victim of their circumstances. The truth is, victim is not a biblical word. Even those who are treated ruthlessly are not referred to as victims. There are several aspects of the word victim that we need to consider when addressing this view. If a person suffers an unprovoked crime or sin at the hands of someone else, the person suffering could be considered a victim in the sense that he is a receiver of unwarranted treatment. Our legal system will certainly designate him the victim of a crime.

But there are wrong ideas usually associated with the word victim. Most often, it carries with it the idea of complete innocence when referring to the one who has suffered the offense. This is rarely the case so far as the events are concerned and never the case so far as the heart is concerned (Psalm 14:2-3). Let me explain by way of an example.

If you are lawfully stopped at a traffic light when a drunk driver rear-ends your car, you are certainly legally innocent in the accident. The drunken person is obviously breaking the law of God and man by driving while intoxicated and by hitting you. If, by the grace of God, you get out of your car and help the drunk person with pure motives until an ambulance comes to examine you both (rather than yelling at him for ruining your bumper), you can still be considered spiritually innocent in this event. However, if you consider yourself to be a better person than the drunk, or look down at his sin in disgust, you are sinning the sin of pride and are, therefore, no longer innocent in the event.

I am not saying that God does not respond compassionately when we are wronged. He does (Hebrews 4:14-16; Isaiah 63:9). And, I am not saying that God will not hold the offender fully responsible. He will (Ezekiel 18:2, 20). What I am saying is that we must remember that God sees any reactionary sin on our part during an incident as grievous as well (Romans 12:14-21). And we must keep an offender’s sin in perspective of our own sin against a Holy God.

Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; for it is written, “As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.” So then each of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. Romans 14:10-13 ESV

Most people do sin in response to another person’s sin and most people do see their own sin as less offensive than another’s. When we have been wronged it can be very helpful to remember that nothing anyone has done to us is worse than our own sin against a Holy God. Since any good in our lives can only be accredited to God’s work in us (Jeremiah 17:9-10; Matthew 19:17; 1 Corinthians 4:7), and since our sin was so bad that God allowed His only Son to be killed in order to pay for our sin (2 Corinthians 5:21; 1 Corinthians 15:3), we know that we are not in and of ourselves any better than anyone else because we sin on a regular basis.

But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. Romans 3:21-25 ESV (emphasis mine)

Secondly, the word victim can imply that a “senseless, never-should-have-happened” event has taken place. The danger here is to forget that loving sovereignty (perfect and purposeful control) of God in one’s life. While some events may indeed be tragic, God knows the end from the beginning and how that event can serve to humble a person (Job 42:1-6), draw a person to Himself (John 6:44), show Himself to be a greater-than-anything God (Jeremiah 32:17; Genesis 50:20) and/or reveal Himself to the sufferer as Refuge, Strength and Helper (Isaiah 57:15).

In short, only God has the ability to work all things together for both our good and His glory in a fallen world, never ignoring one to achieve the other. We must not take the view that something shouldn’t have happened to us. Is God not good? Is God wrong? Is God lacking in power? Obviously none of these are true according to the Bible.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, [1] for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Thirdly, the word victim often gives a person a hopeless outlook. No one who knows God is without hope, the ability to overcome and the resources to live with joy and thankfulness in spite of what has happened. This must sometimes be taken on faith until the truth and principles of God’s Word can be specifically applied to one’s situation and thinking (Genesis 50:20; John 20:24-29; 1 Corinthians 10:12-14; 1 Peter 1:6-7). Unfortunately, some individuals have been taught that they can never lead “normal” lives again. This is tragic because it utterly contradicts Scripture.

May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. 2 Peter 1:2-4 ESV [emphasis mine]

Finally, the word victim usually allows a person to ignore personal responsibility. That brings us back to where we started. To be “a victim of your circumstances” is to declare yourself free from responsibility so far as thoughts, actions, usefulness and life direction are concerned. If we cannot help our responses, we conveniently cannot be held accountable for them. I have heard such statements as, “My sin is actually the result of a ‘sickness’ that I have because of what happened to me,” “I am this way because of my parent’s failures,” “I turned out this way because we were poor and I was exposed to many bad influences; I didn’t have a chance,” or “I have a disease or chemical imbalance; that is why I had to sin.”

This blame-shifting (whether subtle or not) is a grievous thing to my heart. I listen to these people as they seek to excuse themselves for their sin, knowing that at the same time they are removing all hope for themselves. Very often, people have been encouraged in these wrong beliefs by unbiblical counsel (which can even be “Christian” counsel). The truth is, we will be held accountable for our every thought, word, and deed.

So then each of us will give an account of himself to God. Romans 14:12 ESV

The Bible clearly teaches that we are always responsible for our own sin, no matter what our circumstances are – not for the sin of others, but for our own sin. We cannot say that “so and so” causes us to do what we do. Our own sinful heart simply is given an opportunity to express itself in our difficult situations. We sin in response to these situations because sin is in us and because we choose to sin. Christians have a double responsibility because through salvation and the application of the Word of God, we don’t have to sin.

For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Romans 6:7-11 ESV [emphasis mine]

Many times the word victim allows a person to think of himself wrongly. When a person adopts the victim mentality, he usually develops self-pitying, self-righteous, or hopeless attitudes. Those who know God and abide in His truth can lead the kind of life that God intended, even if they have been greatly wronged. They simply must learn to apply the word of God to their circumstances.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV

Business for the Glory of God by Wayne Grudem

Thank you to christianaudio.com’s audio reviewer program for the opportunity to review this audio.  A humble blessing as usual!

One of the things that has always caused consternation with me about ‘church’ was the separation between ‘leadership’ and ‘laity’, or the professionalization of the ministry.  I will never forget driving to a ministry commitment with a newly invited friend, and about half way to our location, he started weeping.  When I asked him what was wrong, he said, “no one has every let me get into the game, thank you.”  Somehow it had been communicated to my friend that unless he was a pastor, went to seminary, and a part of ‘leadership’ he could never ‘get into the game’ of doing real ministry.  Given that 99% of the population is not in ‘full-time’ ministry as felt by my friend and many others, a treatise reminding us that business can be done for the glory of God is a refreshing change.  On top of that, renown author Wayne Grudem is one that can cause us to take a moment and pause on this topic acknowledging that scripture makes no divide between sacred and secular.

Does the Bible teach on the moral goodness of business?  Can I have a business, work for someone else, or do business with vendors for the glory of God?  Is business, employment, making a profit, competition, and meetings, something that can be done for the glory of God?  Wayne Grudem captures this misnomer regarding business and points us back to scripture.  An apt legitimizer of our secular days which can be redeemed looking toward restoration.

This book when it was originally released (2003) so moved me that I also invested in the Logos version so that I could readily share it with and invest in others.  Having this in audio form was a refreshing reminder to take application onward to implications.  The narrator was interesting, coherent, and enthusiastic about the material and author.  It was evident in inflection, timing, and meditative pauses to get you thinking.  Due to my current employment and being part of a team, it has been a good mission field to take study, prayer, and ‘church’ to real life and join Christ in what He is already doing in the day-to-day. 

  
This work was interesting to me, it inspired, and enlightened me in many ways.  As usual, Wayne Grudem makes you think, holds your attention, while presenting in a cohesive and yet appealing manner.  Refreshing also in that Grudem successfully conveys Biblical truth into the everyday.  I would highly recommend this work to others, with all world-views.

Awesome John Piper quote–Biblical Counseling discernment moment

As I look across the Christian landscape, I think it is fair to say concerning sin, “They have healed the wound of my people lightly” (Jeremiah 6:14 http://www.esvapi.org/assets/play.swf?myUrl=hw%2F24006014(ESV); Jeremiah 8:11 http://www.esvapi.org/assets/play.swf?myUrl=hw%2F24008011(ESV). I take this to refer to leaders who should be helping the church know and feel the seriousness of indwelling sin (Rom. 7:20), and how to fight it and kill it (Romans 8:13 http://www.esvapi.org/assets/play.swf?myUrl=hw%2F45008013(ESV). Instead the depth and complexity and ugliness and danger of sin in professing Christians is either minimized—since we are already justified—or psychologized as a symptom of woundedness rather than corruption.
 
This is a tragically light healing. I call it a tragedy because by making life easier for ourselves in minimizing the nature and seriousness of our sin, we become greater victims of it. We are in fact not healing ourselves. Those who say that they already feel bad enough without being told about the corruptions of indwelling sin misread the path to peace. When our people have not been taught well about the real nature of sin and how it works and how to put it to death, most of the miseries people report are not owing to the disease but its symptoms. They feel a general malaise and don’t know why, their marriages are at the breaking point, they feel weak in their spiritual witness and devotion, their workplace is embattled, their church is tense with unrest, their fuse is short with the children, etc. They report these miseries as if they were the disease. And they want the symptoms removed.
 
We proceed to heal the wound of the people lightly. We look first and mainly for circumstantial causes for the misery—present or past. If we’re good at it, we can find partial causes and give some relief. But the healing is light. We have not done the kind of soul surgery that is possible only when the soul doctor knows the kind of things Owen talks about in these books, and when the patient is willing to let the doctor’s scalpel go deep.

Foreword to Overcoming Sin and Temptation: Three Classic Works by John Owen

This reminded me of the classic CCEF Journal of Biblical Counseling Article; Counseling and the Problem of the Past by John Bettler, The Journal of Biblical Counseling • Volume XII • Number 2 • Winter 1994;

IV. Propositions

1. We believe that a counselee’s personal past has a significant influence upon his development of his manner of life.
   We do not believe that the counselee is a helpless victim whose manner of life is determined by his past.
2. We believe that a person creatively interacts with and interprets past events and incorporates his interpretation into his manner of life.
   We do not believe that a counselee so constructs his past that it has no necessary existence in history. Just as God acts and explains or interprets His actions, so the person interprets the actual events in his life.
   3. We believe that the Christian should seek to interpret his past as coming from God and for God’s glory; the unbeliever will distort the event with an explanation that does not honor God’s truth. He will resist the truth and endeavor to believe the lie.
   4. We believe that a counselee is not always aware of the assumptions, values, and habits which shape his manner of life.
   We do not believe there exists within the person an “unconscious,” i.e., an unexplored and largely unexplorable entity which drives his behavior.
   5. We believe that exploration of a person’s past may help to reveal to himself his manner of life.
   We do not believe that such exploration is always necessary to produce biblical change.
   6. We believe that change occurs in the present. It involves repentance for the distorted values and habits of a false manner of life, and the putting on of godly values and behavior patterns in the present.
   We do not believe that change occurs in the past through the reliving of past experiences or through emotional release of stored-up emotions (a process commonly called catharsis).
   7. We believe that God is sovereign over all the events of a person’s life and works providentially through those events to make Christians more like Christ.

My wife are currently involved in biblical discipleship with a couple and it was a great reminder of these things when we were reviewing the audio messages of Dave Harvey’s great book, “When Sinners Say I Do.”  Thanks Babe for 14 years of grace and mercy with this sinner.

The 360° Leader–John Maxwell Book Review

You can lead from right where you are!  In John Maxwell’s new book, he outlines how to lead up, lead to the side and lead down from where you are in ANY organization.  “This fantastic book is based on the knowledge that good leaders are not only capable of leading their followers but are also adept at leading their superiors and their peers. 360° Leaders can lead effectively, regardless of their position in an organization.”

For years I have struggled to lead, always impatient with the dead silences, and for the most part, a reluctant leader tainted by bitterness of the solitary leading I have been a part of and this book gave me hope.  Why?  To me, I was reminded that leadership is influence and influence happens dramatically from the middle.  It is high stress, low recognition, intensive, and not the place many folks want to be in…until now.  I was so struck by this book as God has been working in my life to rescue my ambition for this past year, preparing me to realize that THIS is was what I was called to do.  This also showed me that much discipleship can occur from the middle that dramatically influences everyone in an organization.  This book was so interesting I also purchased the audio version so that I could redeem my commute!  I also took the assessment, which was very helpful to show that I have much to work on in the areas of;

• Investing in relational chemistry
• Putting completing fellow leaders ahead of competing with them
• Giving rewards for results
• Exhibiting a whatever-it-takes attitude toward helping my team and/or organization
• Considering how decisions or events will impact people above, beside, and below me
• Adapting to my leader’s personality while still being my genuine self
• Being attuned to my leader’s weak areas but focusing on his/her strengths
• Accurately evaluating opportunities according to my leader’s priorities
• Praise the strengths and accomplishments of peers
• Exhibiting a sincere motivation to help my peers succeed
• Remaining friends with peer competitors
• Seeking to collaborate with my peers to fill in knowledge and skill gaps
• Embracing and enjoying acceptable humor with co-workers
• Seeking to celebrate the differing strengths of my peers and seek to get to know them better
• Not taking rejection of my ideas personally
• Actively seeking out a cause for those who have disengaged from a task or a relationship
• Encouraging followers by catching them doing something right
• Adapting my leadership style according to what my people need
• Considering what I have personally modeled before criticizing the behaviors of my followers (or my leaders)
• Being strategic in rewarding outcomes I want repeated
• Seeking to align pay with results achieved
• Praising effort, but rewarding results

Some of these (especially the underlined ones) were areas I have been blind to and I can see looking back (starting businesses, planting churches, leading ministries, etc), if I had thought more about being intentional with them, I might have ‘lead’ better and not hurt as many as I have.  This book was very interesting to me and it challenged, inspired, and enlightened me on how selfish I really am and how patient people have been with me.  John Maxwell made really think about my ambitions and he held my attention well.  As with all of John’s books (and I have read quite a few of them) the information was impeccably presented in a cohesive, yet appealing manner which gave me hope that leading from the middle is NOT something to avoid but embrace.  Although I was a little disappointed that there was not a lot of scripture in the book itself, but being acquainted with John’s writings, ministry, and life, it is very evident that much of this book is based upon biblical principles which successfully convey Biblical truth.   I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn more about serving and investing in others, not just for leaderships sake but to be a better witness for the Gospel.  If there was any scripture I was reminded of reading this book, it was;

Christ’s Example of Humility

2:1 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Philippians 2:1-11 http://www.esvapi.org/assets/play.swf?myUrl=hw%2F50002001-50002011(ESV)

Thank you Booksneeze for this investment in me, and by far this is the best book I have reviewed for you so far.  Thank you!